Not maybe. Yes.

When did I stop doing the good things in life in exchange for the things that put me back or stagnant in my career, my life?

I talked to a friend today who always gives out positive vibes and feedback, motivates me to be the best version of me. Not because he wants something from me, but because I'm just around and put effort into hanging out with them. We're not the same age group, we're not in the same industry. We're just two blokes who played some games together when we were down in our lows (aka during the COVID pandemic). 

Recently I've been thinking about feedback the people who care about me the most have been telling me. I might not have met them frequently or too much recently but they really know me the best too. They've been saying I've become different, but not necessarily in a good way.

I've heard that I've become bogan, impatient, improper in speech, at first jokingly but I should have known better that they were notifying and warning me in a nice way. I only realised it fully when my sister, the usually harshly spoken one, had told me in a nice, serious and straight manner. 

Sometimes I feel disappointed in myself for becoming like this, but I also know it's not time to wallow and go on a pity party. Rather, I know it's time again to think. Think long and hard about what's really important in life. Think about the things I used to do in life that was good for me, and the things that aren't, and how to turn life around. 

When I was young I always had a set of goals.

By the time I was 28, I would:

1. Start on my first mortgage

2. Be engaged or married

3. Be helping my parents with their finances

I'm now 28 going 29 and haven't succeeded in any. I barely meet the minimum requirements of the three - to be financially independent. I used to blame the pandemic for this but I was never financially affected by it, nor did it affect my career. The one thing, at the core of all bad things that I did for myself, was to be lazy and make excuses for myself.

I lost sight of the things that I wanted because other people had free time, which made me think I also had free time. But I didn't really, but I still did what I thought was fun - play games and engage in the community I was in. The communities weren't exactly all receiving not giving, a lot of people addicted to games trying to be happier than their sad lives, and roping in other people to help fuel their joys. 

I didn't fall victim to them, because I was? Am? No, I was one of them. 

When I was starting out, why did I work so hard? What was I working towards? I used to wake up in the early hours only to come back home late to a small salary package. I worked even harder in my next role where I became an expert of the tool the business used to make money. I worked my heart out where I broke down only to wake up again to give it my best. I think I stopped when I started receiving a fair bit of money, what I probably deserved originally. I was financially happy with it so sort of stopped trying hard since then. Was it because I felt relieved? Or because I became complacent?

Anyways, the thoughts and questions my friend I saw today raised to me were:

1. What am I working towards?

2. Why am I working towards them?

3. What will stop me? Figuratively, nothing. 

4. There will be times when it's hard and I want to stop trying. Smile and remember why you've been working hard.

5. It will all be alright. It'll just take some time. Be patient. It will all be alright.